I had to dig a hole yesterday. A big hole, as she was a fairly big dog.
It's not something I enjoy doing. In fact, I really hate it. But, when the time comes to put an animal down, there is nothing more cathartic than digging a deep hole.
The harder the ground, the better. The bigger the blisters, the more grief is left in the dirt. I have dug many holes over the years. A small hole for my beloved cockatiel, Ricky. Medium-sized holes for Trigger and Snowman, Abbey, Jamie, Katie and Spice. Small dogs and cats, whose holes were dug with a heavy heart, but not without a smile and gratitude for a life well-lived and long.
Big holes have been dug before. Some in anticipation of the need, and some with resignation and the knowledge of a life near its end.
But there is no more difficult a hole to dig than the one that comes as a surprise. These holes are the biggest, the deepest and the ones toiled over the longest. For someone without children, there is nothing worse than having to dig that surprise hole.
Most people with holes to dig are prevented by law from burying deceased animals on their property. Ashes, however, can be buried.
My mother's ashes reside under a blue spruce in the front of the house. I have to keep telling the boy dogs to quit peeing on Grandma. I get very strange looks from clients if they are out there with me.
Bowls, beds, collars and treats can be buried. Lily loved to eat, so her bowl and a dog biscuit went with her. That's what finally did the vet in. He was doing OK until the bowl and biscuit went into the hole. Then he lost it.
While covering the hole with dirt I realized just how lucky I was. By digging the hole I was able to put some of the grief of losing Lily in the hole with her. Most people couldn't do that because most people don't live on 80 acres out in the middle of nowhere. The law doesn't allow the burying of dead animals unless they are cremated.
That's when I thought about writing this column. Because even if you can't bury your lost pet in the hole you dig, you can still dig a hole. A big one. As deep and as wide as it needs to be.
You don't have to put your pet in the hole in order for it to be a cathartic experience. You can put your grief in the hole, you can put a picture in the hole, you can put a tree or rose bush in the hole. The point is to dig the hole.
You'll feel better after you do.
I know I do. I miss you, Lily.
